...But man, you ain't seen nothing yet. The Last Knight is such old news and such a minuscule blip on the pop culture radar right now, I had no intentions of even giving it the decency of a full write-up. But no film this year has left me so angry, bitter, bored, and above all numb as this one. It's almost mesmerizing how a major blockbuster with one of the highest budgets of all time would manage not only to feel boring, but so incompetent at the same time.
One would think that by stepping away from the older characters that this series was formed around, that this series would manage to find new life. Instead, it feels as if that a shift in focus has led to even greater stagnation in variety and spicing up characters. You would think the fact that the film features the involvement of four writers would mean anyone of them would be able to conjure a better story than Kruger. Unfortunately, said writers - which includes Akiva Goldsman of all people - just dive deeper into the same exact pitfalls and issues that ran rampant and soured prior films in the series.
It's with this entry that the film finally elaborates on the long history of the Transformers' time on earth, dating back to the days of King Arthur and the Round Table, as summoned by the drunken and ham-fisted wizard Merlin played inexplicably by Stanley Tucci. One would have to wonder that if the robots took part of such epic historical events, how their lineage would be kept a secret for at least as long as the 2007 battle in Chicago. The film manages to explain why this is, but in the most preposterous fashion possible, managing to link the waning days of World War 2 into the mix for whatever crazy reason, and essentially boils down to classic conspiracy theories. Logic has certainly never been a strong suit of the series, but the revelation here is a point where you have to say "No." There is no way that this laughable lamp-shading would hold any weight, nor does it hold up to any scrutiny when looking back at the contradictions of the prior films, whose mythology has become so murky and complicated that glaring holes and spontaneous retcons are inevitable.
The MacGuffin of the movie, a staff that could potentially serve as the tool to destroy our world and resurrect Cybertron (although, Cybertron doesn't seem to be "dead" regardless), can apparently only have its power stopped by a certain character in the movie, and yet the Decepticons never seem to make it a priority to eliminate this character that would save them a lot of hassle. The film even invents and strikes out powers that the Transformers have. If you at all remember the last movie, you'll know that Megatron gained this new ability to disintegrate and reform at will to avoid taking damage, yet he never seems to get any use out of that skill. Another feature sees Bumblebee somehow managing to deconstruct, and reconstruct while his individual parts wreak havoc on waves of soldiers. That has never been established as a feature before, and clearly the filmmakers saw what a stupid decision it was, because nobody ever thinks to use it again.
I don't think decent characters are even a priority for the studio anymore, given that each and everyone one of them are a half-baked stereotype with zero identity at this point. Mark Wahlberg is clearly trying, but his Cade just feels like a superfluous addition that serves no agency to the plot, or at least none that couldn't have been passed to other characters. Poor Laura Haddock serves as the main target of the film's creepy male gaze, undermining what a "genius" her character is meant to be by being tossed hurtful misogyny, and getting blasted for not wanting to leap into a relationship (forget failing, this film *spits* in the Bechdel Test's face). Isabela Moner's appropriately named Izabella at least promises to be a different and new breath of life to the series, but despite being such a focal point of the advertising, she completely vanishes for the entire middle section of the movie, making way for more Wahlberg masculinity and cringeworthy sex jokes. That's another huge issue with this movie is in how it forgets about key characters for long stretches, and only remembers to include them when it reaches a point where it needs something to advance the plot. That's disregarding the fact that many of these characters don't even get proper introductions, in a movie where things just happen in order to advance to set-piece after set-piece.
At this rate, any and all characters feel like cheap regurgitations of older ones, with the film even going out of its way to bring back recurring players like Josh Duhamel's Lennox, and John Turturro literally phoning his performance in during an extended cameo as Simmons. (By the way, Simmons is now able to walk with no problems, and yet wasn't he paralyzed in the third film?) But poor Anthony Hopkins suffers the worst of it all, as his inclusion here is simply to fool us into thinking the film has any sense of prestige. Hopkins' entire role in this film is essentially to serve as Captain Exposition, serving as the main historian of the Transformers' time on earth. To be fair, if you're going to use hefty exposition, you might as well have it read out by a thespian like Hopkins, but the actor sadly delivers no punch to the history, and isn't safe from his own little bouts of Bay humor, whether it be "cool" lines and teenage-like swearing, or coming from his insufferable butler Cogman, a miniature Transformer voiced by the wasted talent of Jim Carter.
That same annoying sense of humor that led to the obnoxious attitude of prior films is also present, with every single cornerstone gag being brought out as if kept under ice, from sexism, to bodily functions, masculinity, even good ol' racism. The film introduces this Decepticon Mohawk who threatens to be every bit as offensive as Skids and Mudflap, and to a degree is, but thankfully is cut down shortly after he's introduced. But another problem with this movie, the same as with Age of Extinction, is the fact that the film is taking itself so gallows-level seriously. Not to say the prior films didn't suffer such an issue, even making use of insensitive allusions to 9/11 and the Challenger Explosion, but there's a serious tonal whiplash present within every moment of this movie, and the result feels incredibly mean-spirited and toxic. Optimus Prime doesn't feel like the same compassionate and noble leader he used to be, having devolved into one of those shoot first muscle-bound brainless killers pre-Die Hard, and even Peter Cullen's commanding voice no longer hides how stripped of his decency Prime is.
I can't even give credit to the spectacle of the film, because despite the best efforts of Bay's usual collaborators, there's no sense of excitement anymore. Action is usually one of Michael Bay's strong suits, something that he'll meticulously fashion even if his stories suffer. But he seems to be directing the film completely on autopilot, as everything from the staging to the emotional investment has been completely sapped dry, continuing to go bigger to the point of sensory overload, and any sense of pacing and cohesion isn't made any better when you're making use of *SIX* editors, none of whom can seem to find any rhythm to make the film easier to digest. Even visually the film has lost its spark, because despite this being the most expensive film to date, the effects integration has never looked less unconvincing, with humans staring where the robots haven't even been placed in, with an almost plasticine level detail on what should be easy jobs. Even the always reliable Ethan Van der Ryn and Erik Aadahl's sound design falls into aggressive tone deafness as it tries to make any sense of the surrounding space. All it ends up becoming is a giant mish mash of concepts thrown at the screen, but everything thrown at me doesn't stimulate me. Unforgivably, everything I see just makes me numb, which is truly the last thing I should be feeling in a film with robot dinosaurs, robot Arthurian Knights, and a robot dragon.
But despite overloading itself with so much content and taking so much time to build up to its climax, one that manages to feel both ridiculously overblown and anticlimactic at the same time, the film doesn't even stop to take a breather as it rushes to reach the end credits, not even giving finality to many characters throughout the film. And despite this film appearing to close the book on Transformers, and Bay finally stepping away after its completion, it definitely isn't the last movie. They seem to have their eye on the Marvel mold in which they intend to build to cosmic and gargantuan Infinity War scale, and that just feels like a threat to me. This series has milked its mileage for all its worth, and entry after entry, it isn't so much running on fumes anymore as it is just speeding and crashing down a mountain on neutral setting. Then again, it would simply be too much to ask the studio to let this franchise die peacefully. I mean it's not like the Transformers have ongoing TV shows that do a far better job of honoring the source material... oh, wait.
Bottom line, this franchise has become nothing more than a husk aimlessly stumbling in a confined space on its last legs, and it would be best for everyone if they either let it die out, or start from scratch with much more competent hands taking control.
* / *****
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