I've always found it odd and reductive how quickly critics have been to call the year quits, to have their selections for best of the year ready a few weeks away from Christmas. For one, who's to say that certain films released after such lists have been made public, that few or no one have even seen, wouldn't make a dent (think The Last Jedi or All the Money in the World)? More importantly, it just doesn't give one necessary breathing room, or proper time to reflect on the year in general. Basically, this is all to justify why I do my Best and Worst lists in February.
As for my own thoughts on the year, 2017 was a step up for films from 2016, even if it didn't have anything quite as good as La La Land (then again, what does). For one, the year marked a significant turn in the right direction, as studios finally took to addressing long-brewing backlash against lack of diversity and representation in cinema, the likes of Lady Bird and Get Out becoming among the year's defining films. We've still got a long ways to go, what with Ghost in the Shell attempting to "Asian up" Scarlett Johansson, and the reboot to Hellboy facing backlash after casting Ed Skrein in an Asian role, but the effort was clearly there.
Aside from The Last Jedi inexplicably becoming the year's most hated film by the general public, the actual films were the least crazy part of 2017. Hollywood started making greater headlines for those representing their films and studios, with notorious producer and Oscar campaigner Harvey Weinstein at the center of a massive scandal, facing numerous accusations of unwanted sexual advances and assault, a watershed moment that led to the now ongoing "#MeToo" Movement. He wasn't the only one, as other serious testimonies were raised against the likes of Louis C.K. and Bryan Singer. This also included Kevin Spacey, whose own scandal led Ridley Scott to recast his role in All the Money in the World with Christopher Plummer mere weeks before release. We'd always thought about it, and joked about it, but this showed the toxicity and selectiveness of Hollywood in its true colors, marking a year where we finally tackled such cases and discrepancies head on. It's still not perfect, and it's a shame change came at such a late hour, but one can hope that such events will lead to positive change
As for my own thoughts on the year, 2017 was a step up for films from 2016, even if it didn't have anything quite as good as La La Land (then again, what does). For one, the year marked a significant turn in the right direction, as studios finally took to addressing long-brewing backlash against lack of diversity and representation in cinema, the likes of Lady Bird and Get Out becoming among the year's defining films. We've still got a long ways to go, what with Ghost in the Shell attempting to "Asian up" Scarlett Johansson, and the reboot to Hellboy facing backlash after casting Ed Skrein in an Asian role, but the effort was clearly there.
Aside from The Last Jedi inexplicably becoming the year's most hated film by the general public, the actual films were the least crazy part of 2017. Hollywood started making greater headlines for those representing their films and studios, with notorious producer and Oscar campaigner Harvey Weinstein at the center of a massive scandal, facing numerous accusations of unwanted sexual advances and assault, a watershed moment that led to the now ongoing "#MeToo" Movement. He wasn't the only one, as other serious testimonies were raised against the likes of Louis C.K. and Bryan Singer. This also included Kevin Spacey, whose own scandal led Ridley Scott to recast his role in All the Money in the World with Christopher Plummer mere weeks before release. We'd always thought about it, and joked about it, but this showed the toxicity and selectiveness of Hollywood in its true colors, marking a year where we finally tackled such cases and discrepancies head on. It's still not perfect, and it's a shame change came at such a late hour, but one can hope that such events will lead to positive change
But enough about that. Let's get into my selections for the worst films of the year. As I post this, I've seen just over eighty films, so I think I've got a good variety to go on. But as always, the bad movies in my list are limited solely to what I personally saw. I do have my limits in what I subject myself to, so I've avoided duds the likes of The Bye Bye Man, Let There Be Light, Chips, Flatliners, or Boo! 2: A Madea Halloween.
So let's take a look at the worst of what I did see, starting as always with the dishonorable mentions. David Ayer's Bright was a horrid follow-up to his similarly incoherent Suicide Squad, faltering from the same inept editing and incomprehensible screenplay elements, but worst of all is how it portrayed serious issues of racism surrounding the police force with the subtlety of a jackhammer. The Great Wall starred a disinterested Matt Damon in a wannabe Peter Jackson epic, crafting a thoroughly derivative story in a world whose internal history is murky, and even its style and flair was subpar thanks to some appalling CGI. The Dark Tower failed to do justice to Stephen King's storied series, packing hundreds of pages of exposition into a cramped 90 minute time frame, and despite the efforts of Elba and McConaughey, they couldn't save this dull, lifeless attempt to launch a shared universe. The Circle had a dumb but ambitious premise surrounding cellular and corporate pervasiveness, but squandered it all on such a draggy and cartoonish plotline with virtually no suspense, and no attachment to characters either, including poor Emma Watson as the wooden lead. Speaking of wooden, Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets lacked any chemistry between stars Dane Dehaan and Cara Delevingne, who failed to elevate the directionless script, resulting in a stylish, but ultimately disenchanting visual landscape.
And with those out of the way, let's tackle the big ten!
ROLL OUT!
Number 10
Alien: Covenant
Dir. Ridley Scott
Initially this spot was going to go to Bright, but after looking back at the year, and how much of a sour aftertaste this movie still leaves in my mouth, there was no way I was going to leave this misfire off the list. Even for those who couldn't consider themselves fans of Prometheus, both fans and dissenters alike will be disappointed by how this follow-up completely sweeps all of its themes and questions under the rug, as if it had no interest in ever answering them. What we're left with instead is a beefed up, and even less inspired retread of the original Alien, copying direct plot points and actions, and lacing in a hefty amount of fan service to try and recapture the spirit of that film, but only makes itself look emptier than it already is.
None of the characters feel nearly as fleshed out as their near-forty year old counterparts, with Katherine Waterston's Daniels, playing the designated Ripley that all of these movies need nowadays, suffering the brunt of the stripped down characterization. Said issues of poor characters are only made worse by the viral marketing videos that do a better job of establishing these people than the film itself, and despite Michael Fassbender's commitment in his double role, even he can't elevate this messy exercise in disenchanting spectacle, which sees the once brilliant Ridley falling back on overkill Lucas-esque CGI. But worst of all is the film's infuriating case of prequelitis, that feels the compulsive need to explain what didn't need to be known, therefore killing the mystery of the original film, and in fact is so bad, it makes you question if that movie was really that good to begin with.
None of the characters feel nearly as fleshed out as their near-forty year old counterparts, with Katherine Waterston's Daniels, playing the designated Ripley that all of these movies need nowadays, suffering the brunt of the stripped down characterization. Said issues of poor characters are only made worse by the viral marketing videos that do a better job of establishing these people than the film itself, and despite Michael Fassbender's commitment in his double role, even he can't elevate this messy exercise in disenchanting spectacle, which sees the once brilliant Ridley falling back on overkill Lucas-esque CGI. But worst of all is the film's infuriating case of prequelitis, that feels the compulsive need to explain what didn't need to be known, therefore killing the mystery of the original film, and in fact is so bad, it makes you question if that movie was really that good to begin with.
Number 9
mother!
Dir. Darren Aronofsky
BABY SLAUGHTER! Because that's always wholesome! Darren Aronofsky has made movies I love like Black Swan and Requiem for a Dream, but this unpleasant and condescending "work of art" finally sees him going off the deep end, in a way that even Kafka would shudder at. mother! feels like a film built to divide, and a film encouraging its fans to discredit haters with "you just don't get it." All the power to you if you love it, but the problem is, to not get it would be to imply that there was anything to *miss* in the movie. Fearing that no one would be able to process such intellectualism, Aronofsky beats all of his themes of creation and the continual abuse of Mother Nature, with the same amount of force that Jennifer Lawrence's title lead endures in the third act.
Taking place entirely within one house, the film feels more stage play than cinematic experience, which wouldn't be such a bad thing if all the actors assembled played their parts well. Chalk it up to Aronofsky refusing to reign it in, but it's sad that the film wastes such talented people like Lawrence - who really is trying her best despite Aronofsky pointing the camera up her nose, as well as Javier Bardem as her husband, and Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer as two squatters standing in for Adam and Eve. I found it very hard to be shocked or surprised by anything that happens in the third act as well, where Aronofsky finally goes insane by plunging us into some crazy Mad Max post-apocalypse inside this house, and yet it commits an arguably worse sin by being thoroughly boring with all of it, laying down one final insult with its completely obvious ending. You know, symbolism *can* be subtle.
mother!
Dir. Darren Aronofsky
Taking place entirely within one house, the film feels more stage play than cinematic experience, which wouldn't be such a bad thing if all the actors assembled played their parts well. Chalk it up to Aronofsky refusing to reign it in, but it's sad that the film wastes such talented people like Lawrence - who really is trying her best despite Aronofsky pointing the camera up her nose, as well as Javier Bardem as her husband, and Ed Harris and Michelle Pfeiffer as two squatters standing in for Adam and Eve. I found it very hard to be shocked or surprised by anything that happens in the third act as well, where Aronofsky finally goes insane by plunging us into some crazy Mad Max post-apocalypse inside this house, and yet it commits an arguably worse sin by being thoroughly boring with all of it, laying down one final insult with its completely obvious ending. You know, symbolism *can* be subtle.
Number 8
The Mummy
Dir. Alex Kurtzman
It's ironic that The Mummy should be on this list. Considering that Universal's iconic monsters were essentially the birth of the shared universe, this second attempt of relaunching it following Dracula Untold is the worst post-Marvel launch thus far. What this movie is clearly trying to aim for is the 1999 Brendan Fraser mold, but whereas that movie was a horror movie that just happened to have some action in it, this new take feels like a bad Mission: Impossible knock-off that just happens to have some horror elements tossed in. And it's not even the proper kind, as the horror this film tries to emulate is that of jump scares and laughable body horror, with much of the monsters brought to life by disgusting CGI throw up. Apparently the Dark Universe this film was setting up was quite literal, as the film is often so murky and drab it can even make the film incomprehensible.
The Mummy herself is a massive disappointment. Sofia Boutella is usually a commanding, magnetic, and dedicated physical performer, stealing the show in films like Kingsman, but even she is suffocated by this vacuum of talent. It's not bad enough the film gives her the short stick, the film has to undercut her more by going overboard with the future universe. So continues the trend of Marvel-copycats throwing their eggs into one basket, featuring an embarassed Russell Crowe in his dual role of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that intends to act as the Nick Fury to it all. People tend to forget that Iron Man succeeded not by novelty, but simply by being a good movie first, and that's where the building blocks started coming. That seems to be completely lost on this film, which deliberately shoots itself in the foot to get on board with the latest trend, turning itself into a dull, self-serious package without effective frights of any kind. When I describe Universal's library of monsters, boring should not be the word I use.
The Mummy
The Mummy herself is a massive disappointment. Sofia Boutella is usually a commanding, magnetic, and dedicated physical performer, stealing the show in films like Kingsman, but even she is suffocated by this vacuum of talent. It's not bad enough the film gives her the short stick, the film has to undercut her more by going overboard with the future universe. So continues the trend of Marvel-copycats throwing their eggs into one basket, featuring an embarassed Russell Crowe in his dual role of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, that intends to act as the Nick Fury to it all. People tend to forget that Iron Man succeeded not by novelty, but simply by being a good movie first, and that's where the building blocks started coming. That seems to be completely lost on this film, which deliberately shoots itself in the foot to get on board with the latest trend, turning itself into a dull, self-serious package without effective frights of any kind. When I describe Universal's library of monsters, boring should not be the word I use.
Number 7
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Dir. Guy Ritchie
Another bad attempt at a failed franchise is bad. Despite his mixed bag of work, I've enjoyed several of Guy Ritchie's movies, but I am truly baffled by how this stinker came to be. His reinvention of King Arthur that feels like Fight Club as told by World of Warcraft is a great error of judgment, bringing with him a deliberately anachronistic style that feels more rambunctious Irish pub than 12th century Arthurian battlegrounds, that feels like an attempt at a proto-superhero movie. Ritchie is trying so hard to make the fantastical side of the film feel exciting, including hundred foot war elephants and deadly giant serpents, but his showcase of these elements not only highlight how much they don't belong with the rest of the movie, but their implementation is unimaginative and boring, especially the climactic final battle which feels like a generic final boss fight.
Even laying aside the misjudged fantasy, the movie's more grounded and brawn-based drive fares no better. Despite his strong work in The Lost City of Z, Charlie Hunnam struggles to craft any sense of identity into his future-King, while Jude Law balances unevenly between hammy mustache-twirler and tragic figure, and others like Djimon Hounsou and Aiden Gillan are squandered. Needless to say, Guy Ritchie's style is a very hit or miss depending on your tolerance of him, but even so, his direction is such an eyesore. His speed ramping and multi-perspective flashbacks are completely ill-fitted to the film, playing like discount Zack Snyder at points, and parkour chases with cameras strapped to the actors prove unintentionally amusing, almost like a big budget Adidas commercial. There are some movies, that when you first hear of them, you can tell that they're going to be a disaster. Sadly, this was one of those cases.
King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Dir. Guy Ritchie
Even laying aside the misjudged fantasy, the movie's more grounded and brawn-based drive fares no better. Despite his strong work in The Lost City of Z, Charlie Hunnam struggles to craft any sense of identity into his future-King, while Jude Law balances unevenly between hammy mustache-twirler and tragic figure, and others like Djimon Hounsou and Aiden Gillan are squandered. Needless to say, Guy Ritchie's style is a very hit or miss depending on your tolerance of him, but even so, his direction is such an eyesore. His speed ramping and multi-perspective flashbacks are completely ill-fitted to the film, playing like discount Zack Snyder at points, and parkour chases with cameras strapped to the actors prove unintentionally amusing, almost like a big budget Adidas commercial. There are some movies, that when you first hear of them, you can tell that they're going to be a disaster. Sadly, this was one of those cases.
Number 6
The Book of Henry
Dir. Colin Trevorrow
So bad that its director may have lost the Star Wars IX gig because of it, it's astonishing to see Safety Not Guaranteed's Colin Trevorrow make a film so singularly misjudged, I still can't believe it's real. It's Jaeden Lieberher plays the title Henry, a young genius who takes precocious to an entirely new level, building funds through successful stock investments, dealing with bills and taxes while his mother (an unfortunately cast Naomi Watts) gets super into online gaming, and has the inventive capabilities that would make MacGyver jealous. It's another one of those examples of a 40 year old writing what he thinks children talk and sound like, but feels so detached from reality, especially Henry's almost condescending and non-stop matter-of-fact speaking patterns, and oddly enough it's the adults of the piece who feel more childish than the actual pre-teens.
However, things take a turn for the outrageous when Henry's crush faces abuse from her cop father, leading to his plan to murder him in cold blood. That's a plot point that comes absolutely out of nowhere, and when Henry - who really is more plot device than character - passes away, his mother takes it upon himself to finish what he started (through tape recordings that strangely predict what she's going to say). "That escalated quickly" is a phrase that perfectly encapsulates The Book of Henry, as what were once seemingly innocent quirks find new life as mean-spirited cynicism, played so earnestly as to be equally comical and deplorable. The testimony of a witness to Maddie Ziegler's abuse isn't reliable, but a stupid ballet dance is what finally convinces the principal to call Child Services? Oh, and Jacob Tremblay does some silly magic act to bring his brother back to life. The only reason it's not higher is that out of all the cynical entries on this list, this one was one of the least painful.
The Book of Henry
Dir. Colin Trevorrow
However, things take a turn for the outrageous when Henry's crush faces abuse from her cop father, leading to his plan to murder him in cold blood. That's a plot point that comes absolutely out of nowhere, and when Henry - who really is more plot device than character - passes away, his mother takes it upon himself to finish what he started (through tape recordings that strangely predict what she's going to say). "That escalated quickly" is a phrase that perfectly encapsulates The Book of Henry, as what were once seemingly innocent quirks find new life as mean-spirited cynicism, played so earnestly as to be equally comical and deplorable. The testimony of a witness to Maddie Ziegler's abuse isn't reliable, but a stupid ballet dance is what finally convinces the principal to call Child Services? Oh, and Jacob Tremblay does some silly magic act to bring his brother back to life. The only reason it's not higher is that out of all the cynical entries on this list, this one was one of the least painful.
Number 5
Fifty Shades Darker
Dir. James Foley
Despite the fact that it was self-serious, dull, and passionless, Fifty Shades of Grey at least tried to rise above the detestable source material, but here comes its follow-up to restore everything back to the status quo. Fifty Shades Darker picks up right where we left off, with mysterious businessman and potential serial killer Christian Grey continuing to stalk ditzy Anastasia Steele, as he slowly begins winning her back through his materialism and kinky sex habits, all the while figures from Grey's past start converging in on him and threatening to derail our lovers' happiness. A poor man's erotic thriller, what should be a movie simmering with tension, from threats including Ana's vindictive and predatory boss, to Bella Heathcote's stalker that was once a submissive to Christian, feels like little more than extravagant paid vacations strung together to form the bares bones essentials of a narrative, and only worsening things is that it refuses to dive more than skin-deep into the psychology behind this unlikely pairing, doing little effort to establish this as more than the borderline abusive and possessive match-up that it is.
Give Dakota Johnson all the "commanding" showdowns you want, and try to equalize her to Jamie Dornan as more than just a submissive play-thing, but at the end of the day, this is still a film where a woman falls for a man simply because of the things he buys. Even in the series' most notoriously famous element, the sexual lust that fueled E.L. James' raunchy text, there is absolutely no heat. Johnson may be trying despite the film constantly leering over her body, but her co-star is still an expressionless bore, and even in the film's many lengthy love scenes playing to the overly aroused target audience, the two share a non-existent chemistry. The two always look so uncomfortable with each other, though I hate to place the blame entirely on them, given it's hard to elevate the risible dialogue of what feels like a pubescent kid's fantasies. There's little if anything positive to say about the film, and outside of a few decent laughs, doesn't even succeed at unintentional comedy. The final entry, Fifty Shades Freed, will debut in just a few days from now, and it similarly looks to be a limp finisher.
Fifty Shades Darker
Dir. James Foley
Give Dakota Johnson all the "commanding" showdowns you want, and try to equalize her to Jamie Dornan as more than just a submissive play-thing, but at the end of the day, this is still a film where a woman falls for a man simply because of the things he buys. Even in the series' most notoriously famous element, the sexual lust that fueled E.L. James' raunchy text, there is absolutely no heat. Johnson may be trying despite the film constantly leering over her body, but her co-star is still an expressionless bore, and even in the film's many lengthy love scenes playing to the overly aroused target audience, the two share a non-existent chemistry. The two always look so uncomfortable with each other, though I hate to place the blame entirely on them, given it's hard to elevate the risible dialogue of what feels like a pubescent kid's fantasies. There's little if anything positive to say about the film, and outside of a few decent laughs, doesn't even succeed at unintentional comedy. The final entry, Fifty Shades Freed, will debut in just a few days from now, and it similarly looks to be a limp finisher.
Number 4
Transformers: The Last Knight
Dir. Michael Bay
"Nothing changes, nothing ever will." Five movies into the popular Transformers franchise, Michael Bay is back to leave us with one final infuriating dirge of cynicism and laziness, managing the miraculous feat of creating a $250+ million dollar blockbuster, with robot dragons and Arthurian knights, not only boring, but so incomprehensible it can't even keep a consistent aspect ratio. You'd assume the film's four writers and six editors would be able to get this movie into a working state, but despite every effort made to try and distance the series from the failures pre-Age of Extinction... Nothing has changed! Decent characters just aren't a priority anymore, and despite the fact that we're so far removed from Shia LaBeouf's shenanigans at this point, the new ones established in these latest entries are no better. In fact, many are flat-out regurgitated with not an original or distinctive bone in their body, even going so far as to bring back old staples like Josh Duhamel and John Turturro. Mark Wahlberg couldn't look anymore bored as he coasts to a pay check, while the inclusion of Laura Haddock actively spits in the Bechdel Test's face, and Anthony Hopkins is woefully wasted as Captain Exposition.
At this point you know what you're getting, the plot being some nonsense about securing indistinguishable MacGuffin that could lead to the earth's destruction #10,764, that even features the Transformers battling with King Arthur, and punching a hole through the Nazi party, and yet such historic battles have been swept under the rug by a preposterous society of a select few who know of their existence, which is where the film chucks any and all rational logic out the window like a baseball. The Transformers continue to be undercut in their own films, with Optimus Prime particularly having it bad, devolving from noble leader to testosterone-induced heavy, and even their animation and integration are terrible. Not only do the effects look actively worse than they did ten years and $100 million dollars ago, but most of the time, the actors don't even seem to be looking remotely close to where the robots are. It's yet another abrasive and cynically mashed together mess to squeeze whatever value was still left in this dwindling cash cow, and with Michael Bay finally stepping aside, one can only hope that this series can get closer to the fun of its source material.
Then again, I thought the same thing after Age of Extinction. Be very afraid.
Transformers: The Last Knight
Dir. Michael Bay
At this point you know what you're getting, the plot being some nonsense about securing indistinguishable MacGuffin that could lead to the earth's destruction #10,764, that even features the Transformers battling with King Arthur, and punching a hole through the Nazi party, and yet such historic battles have been swept under the rug by a preposterous society of a select few who know of their existence, which is where the film chucks any and all rational logic out the window like a baseball. The Transformers continue to be undercut in their own films, with Optimus Prime particularly having it bad, devolving from noble leader to testosterone-induced heavy, and even their animation and integration are terrible. Not only do the effects look actively worse than they did ten years and $100 million dollars ago, but most of the time, the actors don't even seem to be looking remotely close to where the robots are. It's yet another abrasive and cynically mashed together mess to squeeze whatever value was still left in this dwindling cash cow, and with Michael Bay finally stepping aside, one can only hope that this series can get closer to the fun of its source material.
Then again, I thought the same thing after Age of Extinction. Be very afraid.
Number 3
The Snowman
Dir. Tomas Alfredson
One only has nightmares of movies as misbegotten as The Snowman, but this adaptation of Jo Nesbo's book, with its Oscar-caliber cast and crew and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy director Tomas Alfredson, is a miraculous shipwreck that squanders the potential handed to it on a silver platter. Featuring some of the worst damage control editing I've seen in recent memory (Why, Thelma?), The Snowman struggles to make sense of a jumbled narrative where puzzle pieces were missing thanks to a rocky production schedule, bouncing between pointless subplots and characters fighting for attention, complete with insane leaps of logic and a finale so hurried, it doesn't even have a proper ending. But even had those extra puzzle pieces been able to make it in, that still wouldn't fix just how self-serious and drab the film is, especially given the premise. A killer who builds snowmen as a calling card is just comical. Perhaps had the film played more to dark comedy, such an idea would work, but this is played too sincere for any laughs to be intentional, and one could form a drinking game out of the film lingering on snowmen while ominous music plays in the background.
Speaking of self-serious, Michael Fassbender has never been so soulless and portentious in a role. His detective Harry Hole (his parents must have been cruel) is a hard-alcoholic, waking up on a random park bench hung over in his introduction, and literally a poisonous presence killing his own house plants. But he also has a (to say the least) very complicated relationship with his ex-girlfriend's son, serving as a father figure that I'm sure won't psychologically damage that kid years down the line. Fassbender feels like a pure parody of a gritty noir detective, and for a movie intended to start a franchise, this is a dour surrogate to expect the audience to spend time with. This certainly isn't helped by the massive, yet absolutely wasted talents of the cast supporting him, including Rebecca Ferguson as his new partner. Elsewhere, film also wastes the talents of actors such as Charlotte Gainsbourg, J.K. Simmons, David Dencik, Chloe Sevigny as a pair of twins (I guess they didn't want to pay another actress), and the inexplicable presence of an ill Val Kilmer as a former detective on the Snowman case.
And yet, in spite of the fact that it is a mystery, and has so many characters fighting to stand out from the others, they somehow still manage to make the killer feel insultingly obvious, complete with motives and methodology that is entirely contradictory and nonsensical. The film wants to be The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but crashes and burns with the grace of a trainwreck, and somehow makes Suicide Squad look good by comparison.
The Snowman
Dir. Tomas Alfredson
Speaking of self-serious, Michael Fassbender has never been so soulless and portentious in a role. His detective Harry Hole (his parents must have been cruel) is a hard-alcoholic, waking up on a random park bench hung over in his introduction, and literally a poisonous presence killing his own house plants. But he also has a (to say the least) very complicated relationship with his ex-girlfriend's son, serving as a father figure that I'm sure won't psychologically damage that kid years down the line. Fassbender feels like a pure parody of a gritty noir detective, and for a movie intended to start a franchise, this is a dour surrogate to expect the audience to spend time with. This certainly isn't helped by the massive, yet absolutely wasted talents of the cast supporting him, including Rebecca Ferguson as his new partner. Elsewhere, film also wastes the talents of actors such as Charlotte Gainsbourg, J.K. Simmons, David Dencik, Chloe Sevigny as a pair of twins (I guess they didn't want to pay another actress), and the inexplicable presence of an ill Val Kilmer as a former detective on the Snowman case.
And yet, in spite of the fact that it is a mystery, and has so many characters fighting to stand out from the others, they somehow still manage to make the killer feel insultingly obvious, complete with motives and methodology that is entirely contradictory and nonsensical. The film wants to be The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, but crashes and burns with the grace of a trainwreck, and somehow makes Suicide Squad look good by comparison.
Number 2
The Emoji Movie
Dir. Tony Leondis
For as many people assumed it was an awful idea, The Lego Movie was a huge pleasant surprise, rising above its commercialization angle, and turning in a sweet and hysterically funny experience. It's the kind of movie that taught us to keep our minds open. However, if there were any movie out there to justify our cynical anticipation for the worst, The Emoji Movie is it. Try as you might, it's very hard to discuss this movie without comparing it to the likes of The Lego Movie, Toy Story, or Wreck-It-Ralph, and that's no coincidence, because this movie is flat-out copying those earlier films. There's nary an original bone in this movie, running the audience through overly familiar and tired cliche after cliche. You name it, this movie has it, and you can see every new plot development coming from a mile away.
While it's true that animation has sort of written itself into corners with specific formulas, that doesn't mean that one can't reinvent them to serve their films. Toy Story is an amazing movie, but people forget that its central idea wasn't that virtuoso, and it was more for its great characters that it stood the test of time. That seems to be completely lost on the makers of The Emoji Movie, who recognize Toy Story was a great movie, but have no idea why that was. This movie does nothing to reinvent the numerous cliches of better films before it, bouncing from checkpoint to checkpoint as scenes string together with no sense of belonging, especially when it gets to the point that the film starts actively contradicting whatever flimsy internal logic it has. There is nothing to offer in the realm of characters, littered with nothing but undying stereotypes that smother the all star cast, including turning the usually reliable James Corden into an insufferable lead weight, and even Sir Patrick Stewart crassly cast as Poop is firmly underutilized
It also isn't uncommon to see some product placement make its way into films of this nature, but The Emoji Movie is just insidious in how it shoves those corporate bottom lines into our faces. At least with The Lego Movie, Legos were versatile enough that they could tell a multitude of stories without selling out. Since Emojis are static and one-trick, there's not a whole lot you can do with them, so the film relies on the forces of YouTube, Instagram, Just Dance, Twitter, and Dropbox of all things in order to pad itself out, making it very clear that this movie is intended more to sell than to entertain (and people say the Porgs were cash grabs). The movie starts out appearing to satirize how ubiquitous these things have become, but by the time these very things become what save the day at the end, the film has lost any and all claim to subversion it clings to. It truly is one of the most shameful examples of studio filmmaking I've seen in recent memory, feeling like a big budget companion to Foodfight.
The Emoji Movie
Dir. Tony Leondis
While it's true that animation has sort of written itself into corners with specific formulas, that doesn't mean that one can't reinvent them to serve their films. Toy Story is an amazing movie, but people forget that its central idea wasn't that virtuoso, and it was more for its great characters that it stood the test of time. That seems to be completely lost on the makers of The Emoji Movie, who recognize Toy Story was a great movie, but have no idea why that was. This movie does nothing to reinvent the numerous cliches of better films before it, bouncing from checkpoint to checkpoint as scenes string together with no sense of belonging, especially when it gets to the point that the film starts actively contradicting whatever flimsy internal logic it has. There is nothing to offer in the realm of characters, littered with nothing but undying stereotypes that smother the all star cast, including turning the usually reliable James Corden into an insufferable lead weight, and even Sir Patrick Stewart crassly cast as Poop is firmly underutilized
It also isn't uncommon to see some product placement make its way into films of this nature, but The Emoji Movie is just insidious in how it shoves those corporate bottom lines into our faces. At least with The Lego Movie, Legos were versatile enough that they could tell a multitude of stories without selling out. Since Emojis are static and one-trick, there's not a whole lot you can do with them, so the film relies on the forces of YouTube, Instagram, Just Dance, Twitter, and Dropbox of all things in order to pad itself out, making it very clear that this movie is intended more to sell than to entertain (and people say the Porgs were cash grabs). The movie starts out appearing to satirize how ubiquitous these things have become, but by the time these very things become what save the day at the end, the film has lost any and all claim to subversion it clings to. It truly is one of the most shameful examples of studio filmmaking I've seen in recent memory, feeling like a big budget companion to Foodfight.
Number 1
Amityville: The Awakening
Dir. Franck Khalfoun
I wouldn't be surprised if most didn't even know what this film is. Shot back in 2014 and intended for release in January of 2015, Blumhouse's latest low budget scarer found itself in distribution limbo as it sat on the shelf for almost three years, until the studio quietly released it through Google Play for free last October. Quite the show of confidence if you ask me.
Awkwardly attempting to be a remake, reimagining, and sequel all in one go, the film feels designed to be a giant love letter to the original Amityville Horror. I admit I haven't watched that film, but while I'm sure it is a classic, I doubt even fans of it would say it was more than pure fantasy. Not this movie, which takes everything that happened in them as historical fact, with the townsfolk wary of the infamous residence and its ghost stories. That metanarrative backfires on the film, as that central concept leads to revelations in the third act that are so moronic and hilarious, I can't believe that anyone would actually write it. And that's only one of the screenplay's countless faults, similarly populated by risible dialogue, unbearable characters, and really oddly placed Christianity undertones.
I almost feel sorry for leading star Bella Thorne, who is out of her element as this brooding, wet blanket social pariah constantly draped in black and goth clothing and makeup, and becomes the unfortunate target of the movie's leering male gaze (made even more uncomfortable when you remember she was 16 at filming). She's also in agonizing guilt over a traumatic experience that left her brother comatose, an outcome to a "trauma" so overblown, that you can't stomach just how cruel her own family is to her. But she is nothing compared to Jennifer Jason Leigh, playing her neglectful mother, running through bipolar moodswings all the way through. One minute she's gentle and reasonable, the next she morphs into a full-blown Annie Wilkes caricature, with all the subtlety of an evil twin switch-out.
Even without knowing how hard a road this movie had leading up to release, it's still evident how much tinkering has been done to get the film into a semi-functional state, but the sloppiness just makes these changes all the more apparent, with actors like Thomas Mann and Kurtwood Smith getting dropped with no explanation. And in an otherwise banner year for horror, Amityvile returns to the status quo of falling back on cheap jump scares, as if this movie couldn't be any lazier. I know it's hard to make creative scares when working off Jason Blum's shoestring funding, but when you remember that Insidious, Get Out, and Sinister managed to do more with less, that's not an excuse anymore. It's as if most of the film's budget was devoted to the house and Thorne's makeup, and whatever scraps were left went into the "Boo!" moments. Like those dime a dozen found footage movies made for dirt cheap, that then make ten million opening weekend. It's that blatant, and while it didn't infuriate me in the way that Vampire Academy and Fant4stic did, that hardly justifies what a misbegotten snooze this movie is.
On one final nugget, at one point, a bunch of characters sit down to watch one of the original Amityville films. Thomas Mann pulls out the Platinum Dunes remake, followed by Thorne blasting it with "Remakes totally blow!" Well, you know what they say about people who live in glass houses...
And that does it for this year's worst, and despite the fact that I sat through The Emoji Movie, that was minor compared to the number of good films from 2017. Next week, I'll be taking on the best of those movies to conclude the year on a high note. See ya then.
Amityville: The Awakening
Dir. Franck Khalfoun
Awkwardly attempting to be a remake, reimagining, and sequel all in one go, the film feels designed to be a giant love letter to the original Amityville Horror. I admit I haven't watched that film, but while I'm sure it is a classic, I doubt even fans of it would say it was more than pure fantasy. Not this movie, which takes everything that happened in them as historical fact, with the townsfolk wary of the infamous residence and its ghost stories. That metanarrative backfires on the film, as that central concept leads to revelations in the third act that are so moronic and hilarious, I can't believe that anyone would actually write it. And that's only one of the screenplay's countless faults, similarly populated by risible dialogue, unbearable characters, and really oddly placed Christianity undertones.
I almost feel sorry for leading star Bella Thorne, who is out of her element as this brooding, wet blanket social pariah constantly draped in black and goth clothing and makeup, and becomes the unfortunate target of the movie's leering male gaze (made even more uncomfortable when you remember she was 16 at filming). She's also in agonizing guilt over a traumatic experience that left her brother comatose, an outcome to a "trauma" so overblown, that you can't stomach just how cruel her own family is to her. But she is nothing compared to Jennifer Jason Leigh, playing her neglectful mother, running through bipolar moodswings all the way through. One minute she's gentle and reasonable, the next she morphs into a full-blown Annie Wilkes caricature, with all the subtlety of an evil twin switch-out.
Even without knowing how hard a road this movie had leading up to release, it's still evident how much tinkering has been done to get the film into a semi-functional state, but the sloppiness just makes these changes all the more apparent, with actors like Thomas Mann and Kurtwood Smith getting dropped with no explanation. And in an otherwise banner year for horror, Amityvile returns to the status quo of falling back on cheap jump scares, as if this movie couldn't be any lazier. I know it's hard to make creative scares when working off Jason Blum's shoestring funding, but when you remember that Insidious, Get Out, and Sinister managed to do more with less, that's not an excuse anymore. It's as if most of the film's budget was devoted to the house and Thorne's makeup, and whatever scraps were left went into the "Boo!" moments. Like those dime a dozen found footage movies made for dirt cheap, that then make ten million opening weekend. It's that blatant, and while it didn't infuriate me in the way that Vampire Academy and Fant4stic did, that hardly justifies what a misbegotten snooze this movie is.
On one final nugget, at one point, a bunch of characters sit down to watch one of the original Amityville films. Thomas Mann pulls out the Platinum Dunes remake, followed by Thorne blasting it with "Remakes totally blow!" Well, you know what they say about people who live in glass houses...
And that does it for this year's worst, and despite the fact that I sat through The Emoji Movie, that was minor compared to the number of good films from 2017. Next week, I'll be taking on the best of those movies to conclude the year on a high note. See ya then.
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